*sigh* so long since i've posted... i simply dont have time to post. so much is happening in my life! and when i say i have no time to post, i mean... i have NO time to post... unlike other ppl, i REALLY dont! and i wont come back to post tomorrow and say "i have no time to post" every single day even if they ARE constantly posting!! AHH ok... i'll stop being mad.. it's just im having SUCH a fcukin bad ass DAY!!! ok.. so, today is our 1o th grade retreat right? the whole sophomore class gets to go to Marin Headlands and spend the night there, go night hiking, staying at the empty hostile which is way up in the empty woods that looks like the Wrong Turn movie. I, of course, does not get to go. so everyone is spending time at the woods, by the mountains, on the beach, and im here, at home, stuck, with my mom!! frustrating right?? and the thing is that on monday, i'll be hearing ALL about the fun stuff they did and all the inside jokes that i wont understand! *sigh* well... the positive side is that i already went last year and it's only whole bunch of teenage boys groping at girls and people having sex in the corners, behind trees, where ever. the boy's room have a secret exit that leads to the woods so a lot of that happened... right? so i thought.. at least i wont be MOLESTED by these stupid ass boys... or, so i thought... just when everyone left on the cars, i walked to the bus stop alone, atempting to go to CFJ. i starting walking up the bus and behind me, i heard a boy say "hey girl can i be your boyfriend?" i turned and it was some punk ass looking about 17,18-ish. i said... "um... no..?" and he said "why" like he was REALLY confused or something!! i said "well... cus'... i don't know you?" and he said "well we can GET to know each other" and i said that it wuz cool y'know. i smell weed on them so i didn't really wanna talk to them... while i was looking for a seat they kept pushing up against me till we were all the way in the back and there was like 8 of them including a fat-ass girl (not trying to be mean but her ass was REALLY hanging out) the guy was HELLA up against me till the point where he was practically stepping on my foot(which DiD happen)! and he was like "can i get ya' number?" i was like it's hella cool. and at this point he was so close it was like he was giving me a hug except he wasn't holding me... then another guy behind him says "nuh uh i saw her first.. she's MY bitch!" i was like... whoa? wdf? and hella try to walk pass them back to the front and they started to grab my back pack like in 3 secs and they took out all my stuff. they got a hold of my wallet and started looking through it and taking my money and shit. i was like "why don't yall just give my shit back ok..?" and they was like come get it and did these weird movements *shudders* at this time the WHOLE bus was looking at us and NOBODY said shit!! now they were hella grabbing at me and i had no where to run just cuz of the fact that i was inside the bus! one of the girls gave me the wallet back but they still took my money and shit. i was like w/e it's just a few dollars, i aint about to fight 7 tall ass black guys and a fatass girl for that shit right? and i just got off the bus. everything was cool, i was fine, but i was hella steamed-up. i went to CFJ and CARMEN MADE ME CRY!! well, not on purpose but i started to tell her and... i just can't stop crying! my heart was heavy with grief... Mari said if it came down to finding these punks and beating somebody up, it's down. but throughout the whole meeting i was trying to smile, smiling... smiling... smiling... till Ed dropped me off and once i got out the car i started to cry again, in the dark, outside my house, and there he was, tony, out of nowhere, coincidently he was RiGHT outside my house and he said MaRiA?? what chu doin' here?? i said i live here, still trying to hold back tears, and he notice so he said what's wrong? and i told him... i feel hella better talking about it and if i see those people again... as i said to carmen... "im... FRiC.....KiN' pist" and shoot them with arrows.

                                  .........-_-

ok... my day JUST got better... ^^ ok... i just wanna thank LiNDA for caring about me SO MUCH!! she read my last post and said she knows how tough it is for me and she knew what i was going through. she came by today, and she brought me a PRESENT!! she said i can open it now... and she insisted it... OMG OMG!!! i couldn't believe what it is!!! it was ARCHERY BOW AND ARROWS!! OMG!! she wanted to bring back ONE of my stress relievers... the power to shoot things ^^ MUAHAHAHAHA!!! im SO happy!! it just made my day!! ^^ THANK YOU LiNDA for being the ONLY person that's actually listening (or reading at this case) to what i'm saying/typing... i know how much it must've costed *sigh*... and nick too... thank you for noting that you was here... i appreciated it. i just fix and set-up the old computer and put it in my sister's room... now we can have internet in there at night and stuff... (im so smart =D) today, i went to check out the new house... in the deep 98o0'z omg... i HATED iT!!! but my mom SO loved it... and she's willing to buy it if they lower it more than 10k which was likely... i HATE the deep east... iono anyone and i dont bump into anyone... its so gloomy and dark... not like my life is not already like that... but.. i DiD see some light today... as soon as i set-up a target in my backyard (gotta be resourcful... COLOR PENCiLS AND PAPER!!) and christmas officially started... im off shooting... but it wasn't as fun as when i was around asian people as well as feuy and most importantly, roxana -.-;; which was the reason i joined... i miss kickin' it with her... was it MY fault that her family hates me? everytime i call her to say wussup, her brother hangs up on me.. that's just rude... *sigh* i made my effort right? what else more can i do huh? sounds like she's having a lot of fun anyways... maybe people's lives WOULD be better off without me interupting... i'll just leave myself isolated in a lito place called... metwest

                   - Lonely Yet Precedently Loved... i guess... MaRiA

It's about 2AM and I can't sleep. I keep thinkin about "him". So I decided to blog and prop ppls. I just realized I'm in love with this guy that I thought was extremely wrong for me. There's no point to mentioning his name when I know he doesn't come to my site. He doesn't care or wonders what I do, but I don't know why, I just want to spend so much time with him. I find myself trying to make up excuses just to see him. I've been told so many times that we are perfect for each other cus' our love history is the same. We both like all the same things but have totally different personalities. I bet if I wrote his name right now... he would never find out cus' I feel like he don't give a fuck... not even a little curious in finding out what I did today, not like Maru and Suki. Sometimes, he get me so frustrated cus' he's totally clueless about these things, but I feel like he is putting a little bit more effort in trying to talk to me, but maybe we are just becoming better friends. But as we become better friends the more I want to be MORE than just friends, but the thought of being with him just terrifies me because I already know how he would react, like he always does with every girl. I keep thinking he's too good for me. Is that why he never puts much effort in talking to me? I know I might not be as *ahem* "sexy" as him... (our little inside joke) or as fine... I know a lot of girls jock him... and I know I'm nothing compared to him. I'm ugly, fat, needy, annoying, talk-too-much. ugly, lifeless, dumb, did I mention ugly? ... maybe that's it... -_-... but I feel so alone. Nobody EVER gives me advice on what I should do or comfort me... I just don't know what else I can do. *tearz* Everytime I see him... I stare at him but when he looks, I turn away. I DON'T KNOW WHY!! But I do... Hmm... maybe this is what it's all gonna be... just this... just me wishin' nd dreamin'... how does this whole "LOVE" system work? I'm new at this, I never been in a relationship in my life. Can someone please explain it?Cus' I sure don't get it...

                          - Confused and Lonely... MaRiA